


Finding The Words

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-07 10:02:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11621280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: A future fic set immediately after 'Know Thine Enemy'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I perched on the edge of the couch, distractedly turning my mobile over in my hands. I had a decision to make, and even though I had been weighing up the pros and cons for what seemed like hours, I was no closer than I had been at the start.

I knew what I wanted. If I was honest I had known for a long time, but wanting something didn’t necessarily mean it was the right thing. I had a habit of craving things that were either bad for me or that I ended up destroying. This time I had to be sure.

I dropped the phone onto the seat beside me, running my fingers through my hair. Why did life have to be so complicated?

I wandered to the kitchen and made myself a coffee. I wanted a whiskey, but that was currently on the list of things that were bad for me; I never made rational decisions when I was under the influence, and I needed to be rational.

Cradling my coffee, I resumed my position on the edge of the couch, letting the mug warm my hands. I was getting angry with myself for being so spineless. 

“Good God man, just admit it, you’re in love with Barbara!”

My words echoed around the empty room; a room that more than likely wouldn’t be empty if only I could find the courage to say the words to the woman concerned instead of screaming them at a wall.

Why was it so hard for me to tell Barbara that I loved her? Because I was scared. Because I had been hurt. Because I didn’t want to repeat the mistakes I had made with Helen. 

“Barbara isn’t Helen you fool,” I muttered under my breath. 

I wasn’t telling myself anything that I didn’t already know. Helen had been well-bred and well-educated; the product of a privileged life. I had convinced myself that I was in love with her, and that had blinded me to her flaws; her sullen selfishness, her fickle moods, her petulance. Our marriage had been a terrible mistake, and one that had cost us both.

Barbara was, well Barbara; there wasn’t really any other way to describe her. She wasn’t anything like the women I had previously known, with her smart mouth and her waspish temper, and yet she captivated me. I was her antithesis, but she was the one person who could reach me, challenge me, calm me and care for me. She had a big heart that had, on occasion, left her wide open to unimaginable pain, and yet she was still up on her feet and fighting. She impressed me and inspired me; and the thought of being without her terrified me beyond belief. But could I tell her that I loved her? Could I take that last step?

I took a sip of my coffee, screwing up my nose at the taste. In my distraction, I had used the brand of instant that I kept in the house purely because it was Barbara’s coffee of choice. If there had been any doubt as to how preoccupied I was, it was now erased.

I reached for my phone. As my hand closed over it the doorbell rang. Growling, I released it and headed for the door. Flinging it open I was surprised to find Barbara standing there.

“Barbara; what an unexpected pleasure.”

“Hi Sir. Have I called at an inconvenient time?”

“No, no, not at all. Come in.”

I stood back, allowing her to enter, a shiver running down my spine as she brushed against me. Closing the door, I followed her along the hall, the mug of coffee still in my hand.

Entering the lounge, I found her sitting on the couch, her coat slung over the back of it. She had kicked off her shoes, and had tucked her feet under her. I smiled at the scene, delighted that she felt relaxed in my home.

“Can I get you anything?”

She gestured towards the mug I was holding, “what are you having?”

“You call it coffee, but to me it tastes more like paint stripper.”

She held out her hand, “if it’s still warm then I’ll drink it and you can have something that will please your refined palate!”

Laughing, I handed her the mug and then went back to the kitchen. Fixing myself a proper coffee, I went and joined her on the couch.

“So, is this a social call or do you have something on your mind?”

“After today, I just… well… I couldn’t…”

I reached across and squeezed her arm, “I understand. I was just about to call you.”

“You were?”

I nodded. “Great minds think alike.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. You weren’t the one who was taken in by Tania.”

“Barbara, stop being so hard on yourself.”

“I can’t help it; I feel like a complete idiot.”

“Well that’s one thing that you definitely are not.”

“You saw through her.”

“Yes, but you need to remember that there have been cases that we’ve investigated where the situation has been reversed. We’re human Barbara, and humans aren’t infallible.”

“I somehow doubt that Evans is going to see things quite so charitably.”

“I’ve spoken to Evans and he understands. You don’t have to worry Barbara.”

She sighed deeply, “thanks for that, I owe you.”

Taking the mug from her hands, I crouched down in front of her. “No, you don’t.” She opened her mouth to protest, closing it abruptly as I pressed a finger to her lips. “You don’t. That’s not the way we work Barbara, it never has been. You and I, we’re a team. We’re there for each other, we support one another, we have each other’s backs no matter what. With some people, their differences mean that they don’t work well together, but with us it’s the opposite. We’re two halves of the same whole. Together we’re strong, but apart; well you know what happens to us then.”

She stared at me wide eyed, “what are you trying to say?”

I smiled, running the back of my fingers softly over her cheek, “what do you think I’m trying to say?”

She leant into my touch, “that we should stop fighting the feelings we have for each other and just give in to them?”

I moved closer until my lips were a hair’s breadth from hers, “exactly.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Apologies for the delay and for the brief update... Fibromyalgia is flaring horrendously at the moment... this may also delay the next chapter, so I apologise in advance if it does._

The moment I had walked away from Tommy I had felt bereft, but I had forced myself to go home as I couldn’t bear to see pity or disappointment in his eyes. I knew that I had been played by Tania, she had managed to fool me completely and turn me against Tommy. I had been gullible and stupid, and it had nearly cost me my dearest friend.

I began to dwell on just how close I had come to destroying my most important relationship. I owed Tommy a huge apology, but I couldn’t yet find the courage to make it. I needed a distraction, something to keep my mind occupied, and so I started to clean. 

It was when I found myself bleaching the toilet at nearly 9 pm that I knew I was being ridiculous. I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had to put things right, and to do that I needed to talk to Tommy. I was nearly out of the front door when I realised I was wearing a faded t-shirt and torn tracksuit bottoms. I yelped, then hurried back to the bedroom to change.

Twenty minutes later I was outside Tommy’s townhouse. I knew he was in; the Bristol was parked in its usual space and there was a light visible in the lounge window. I rested my head against the steering wheel; what had seemed like a good idea when I was high on bleach fumes now seemed ridiculous. He might have company. An image of him naked, wrapped around a faceless blonde with a perfect figure cemented itself in my imagination, causing me to groan loudly. Why was I doing this to myself? Shaking my head to try and clear my thoughts, I got out of the car and headed to Tommy’s door. Ringing the bell, I waited.

The door opened and there stood Tommy, a welcoming smile on his face. “Barbara; what an unexpected pleasure.”

“Hi Sir. Have I called at an inconvenient time?”

“No, no, not at all. Come in.”

He stood back, allowing me to enter. I moved past him and wandered down the hall to his lounge. 

Relieved that he seemed pleased to see me, I settled myself comfortably on the couch and liberated his mug of coffee. I sipped it in quiet contemplation while he disappeared into the kitchen to make himself another one. 

“So, is this a social call or do you have something on your mind?”

My heart sank, wishing that we could have avoided this for… forever perhaps. My mind helpfully reminded me that I had made the decision to drive over and put things right, and so I bit the bullet. “After today, I just… well… I couldn’t…”

He reached across and squeezed my arm, “I understand. I was just about to call you.”

“You were?” His revelation surprised me.

He nodded. “Great minds think alike.”

I knew he was being kind, but it just made me feel even more stupid. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. You weren’t the one who was taken in by Tania.”

Tommy’s expression was gently scolding. “Barbara, stop being so hard on yourself.”

“I can’t help it; I feel like a complete idiot.”

“Well that’s one thing that you definitely are not.”

“You saw through her.”

“Yes, but you need to remember that there have been cases that we’ve investigated where the situation has been reversed. We’re human Barbara, and humans aren’t infallible.”

“I somehow doubt that Evans is going to see things quite so charitably.”

“I’ve spoken to Evans and he understands. You don’t have to worry Barbara.”

I sighed deeply, “thanks for that, I owe you.”

He took the mug from my hands and crouched down in front of me. “No, you don’t.” I tried to protest, my mouth closing abruptly as he pressed a finger to my lips. “You don’t. That’s not the way we work Barbara, it never has been. You and I, we’re a team. We’re there for each other, we support one another, we have each other’s backs no matter what. With some people, their differences mean that they don’t work well together, but with us it’s the opposite. We’re two halves of the same whole. Together we’re strong, but apart; well you know what happens to us then.”

I stared at him in disbelief and confusion. “What are you trying to say?”

He smiled affectionately at me, running the back of his fingers softly over my cheek, “what do you think I’m trying to say?”

Almost automatically I leant into his touch, “that we should stop fighting the feelings we have for each other and just give in to them?”

He moved closer to me until his lips were a hair’s breadth from mine, “exactly.”


	3. Chapter 3

We slumped back against the pillows, breathing heavily, our hearts racing.

“Well, I didn’t expect that!”

Barbara rolled onto her side to face me. “What did you expect?”

I propped myself up onto my elbow, my free hand stroking her face. “I don’t know. I mean I hoped… I guess I more than hoped… I just never expected.”

Her hand captured mine, stilling it. “Are you disappointed?”

I shook my head. “God no! It was wonderful; beyond my wildest dreams.”

A cheeky grin crossed her face. “You’ve been having dreams about me?”

Blushing, I ducked my head. Barbara was having none of it, and moved so that she could look me in the eye.

“You don’t have to hide from me Tommy, or feel embarrassed. Tell me what we got up to in these dreams.”

My face grew warmer. “It was more than dreams, much more than dreams. You were my, how can I put this delicately, my go-to fantasy when I was, you know, in the mood.”

Her face coloured to match mine. “Ahhh, I understand. Me too.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “Sometimes I couldn’t look you in the eye knowing that only an hour or so previously I had been crying your name as I came. Have I shocked you by being so honest?”

“No, never. I like that you can be candid with me. I must admit, it was always you too. Please don’t think badly of me, but even when I was with Helen I used to think about you. Can you ever forgive me?”

“For thinking of me when you were in bed with her or something else?”

“That, and well, I should never have married her. I knew that I was in love with you, I just couldn’t see how it would work. I should have talked to you, told you how I felt. I should have been brave enough to follow my heart.”

Barbara tugged me down so that I lay beside her. “We can’t turn back time.”

“I know, I spent nearly six months trying.”

“Shush Tommy,” her lips brushed against mine, “no more of that. We need to learn from our experiences, that doesn’t mean they have to consume us.”

I cradled her face between my hands, “I’m glad you came over, and that we didn’t logic ourselves out of this.”

“I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to move things on between us for a while now. Don’t laugh, but I went home and started cleaning the flat because I was scared that you either hated me or were disappointed in me. I hated that we were at odds with each other, that we seemed to be unable to talk to each other without getting angry.”

“We’ve always argued Barbara.”

“I know, but it felt different this time. I knew I was hurting you but I couldn’t stop myself. I’m sorry for that, really sorry.”

“Why did you empathise with Tania? You said something about me not understanding fear and isolation, what did you mean?” 

Barbara buried her face against my shoulder, my skin becoming damp with her tears. I stroked her hair, trying to comfort and calm her. “Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry.”

She pulled away from me, sniffing and wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. “No, I’m sorry.”

“You can talk to me about anything you know. When you’re ready. And if you want to of course. If you don’t then I completely understand. I don’t want to put any pressure on you.”

“I can’t, not right now anyway. Maybe one day I’ll be ready, but not now.”

I ran my hand over the soft skin of her arm, pleased that she didn’t shy away from my touch. “That’s okay Barbara. As I said, I understand and I’m not going to pressure you.”

She moved back into my arms, snuggling close. “I love you so much Tommy.”

“I love you too.”


	4. Chapter 4

I waited until I was sure Tommy was asleep before slipping from his grasp and the bed, grabbing his robe and leaving the room. Quietly shutting the door, I made my way downstairs to the lounge. Padding softly across the deep carpet to his drinks table, I turned on a lamp and poured myself a finger of whiskey before curling up in the corner of the couch.

Lost in thought, I stared blankly at the floor. I could kick myself for falling apart in front of Tommy; now I owed him an explanation and I had no idea where to start. Most of the time I tried hard not to think about what I had been through, and most of the time I was at least part way successful, but the whole fiasco with Tania had brought everything back. Ironic really, my personal circumstances had been a large part of what made me decide to join the police, and now the circumstances of a case were the driving force behind me having to talk about my past.

I downed the whiskey, grimacing as the trail of liquid fire burned my throat; it did nothing to clear my mind or improve my mood. How the hell was I going to tell Tommy what I had been through without him either pitying me or running for the hills because I was too damaged for him to cope with? 

I remembered my words from earlier and snorted indelicately. Who was I to tell him that we couldn’t turn back time when I did nothing but dwell in the past and wish that I could change it? All that about learning from experiences and not letting them consume us! Do as I say but not as I do; how bloody hypocritical was that?

I refilled my glass and returned to the couch and my contemplation. I had been in love with Tommy for years, even though I had all but thrown him at Helen, not imagining for a second that I would ever be the kind of woman he would show an interest in. My cowardice had caused all of us pain, but most especially Tommy, something that I couldn’t change and would always regret. Seeing him suffer and knowing that I was responsible had been torture. It still was.

The second whiskey followed the first, and with the same effect. My fingers toyed distractedly with the empty glass, my eyes still staring unfocusedly at the floor. Had I done the right thing, coming to see Tommy, telling him how I felt about him and giving into those feelings or had I just got carried away by the moment? Nothing I had said to him had been a lie, but did that make it right? Was I digging a hole that neither of us would be able to get out of without one of us getting hurt?

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, wondering how I could put this right. Once again, I found myself knowing that I needed to talk to Tommy but not knowing where to start.

“Barbara?”

My eyes flew open, the whiskey glass tumbling to the floor. “Jesus Tommy, you scared the crap out of me!”

He crossed the room, retrieving the glass and putting it on the coffee table, then sitting down beside me, pulling me into his arms. Despite my doubts, I went willingly, taking comfort from his embrace.

“I woke up to an empty bed.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to disturb you.”

He nuzzled my hair before resting his chin on the top of my head. “What was keeping you awake?”

“Things. Thoughts. Stuff.”

“Could you be any vaguer my love?”

“It’s a long story, and not very pretty. To be honest, it’s the stuff of nightmares.”

He tightened his hold, “you can tell me. I promise you, whatever it is, I’m not going anywhere.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I again apologise for the delay in updating this fic. I'm still battling ill health and other real life distractions that I could well do without. I promise I will finish this, it might just take longer than usual. Sorry._

“I met Paul when Terry first became ill. I wasn’t in a particularly good place, and my parents were understandably preoccupied. I was lonely and vulnerable with few friends, desperate for someone to notice me for me and, although I didn’t know it at the time, easy pickings for someone like Paul.

“I had zero experience of relationships, not that I have much more than that now, but back then I was, how shall I put it, a relationship virgin. I’d never been taken out for a burger and chips, or had a kiss in the back row of a cinema. Paul cadged a fag off me outside school one day, we got talking, and the next thing I knew we were a couple.

“I can’t tell you what it was like to have someone in my life who wanted to be with me, how good it felt. I was the centre of someone’s world, or so I thought, and I basked in the attention. He was older than me, good looking, he had a job and a car, it was all so new and exciting. I’m ashamed to say that it was nice to have something that helped me escape from all the drama around Terry, it made me feel like a normal girl.

“It didn’t take long for things to change, but he dressed it up as love, and like a fool I believed him. He went from being a sweet guy to someone who would alternate between treating me like a possession and gaslighting me, or at least I think that’s what they call it. He would make me doubt my mind, my sanity, control me, and then correct me if I let him down or questioned him. He played me just like a cat does with a mouse, drawing me in, pushing me away, humiliating me, and I just let him do it.”

“Correct you how?”

I could hear anger in Tommy’s voice. I shook my head, “I can’t, even now, sorry.”

“Shush, I understand. I hate that someone treated you like that.” He kissed my hair and held me close; the actions and his voice calming me. 

I took a deep breath, “Terry was getting sicker, the treatment wasn’t working, my parents were falling apart. There were all these things that needed to taking care of, decisions that needed to be made. I was just a bloody kid myself, and yet I was having to be the responsible one, the parent, the one who had to keep on top of everything and stop things falling through the cracks.

“In some respects that was the best thing that could have happened, but it didn’t feel like it at the time. I was so busy, what with school, visiting Terry, being there for my parents, holding things together, well I didn’t have any time for Paul. It’s ironic really, what I did, the way I treated him, they now call it the grey rock technique, and they recommend it as a way of breaking off an abusive relationship, but at the time it was just me living my life the only way I could."

“The grey rock technique?”

“You make yourself as interesting as a grey rock, monotonous, boring, unchallenging and uninspiring. It then morphed into another method called the no contact rule. I was the poster child for dealing with an abusive partner and I didn’t even realise it!”

Tommy ran his hand up and down my arm. I closed my eyes and gave in to the sensation; to the comfort that being close to him and being held by him gave me.

“Thank you for not hating me.”

“I never have and I never could. What was it you said to me? That we learn from our experiences? What we’ve been through, it’s brought us to this point, the point when we are ready and able to love one another completely. I love you Barbara, and as I said, I’m not going anywhere.”


	6. Chapter 6

I had managed to convince Barbara to come back to bed, and now she was sleeping peacefully in my arms. Her actions during the Thompson case made perfect sense to me now, but for her sake I wished they didn’t.

When she had said Paul had corrected her, my mind had gone to a very dark place, imagining her being hurt and scared. If I could track this Paul person down, for that reason alone I would dismember him, enjoying every minute as I caused him as much pain as he had caused her. I breathed deeply, briefly closing my eyes, and tried to get a grip on my anger. Losing my temper would do nothing to help Barbara, and she had to be my sole focus. 

I had meant it when I said that I hated that she had been treated the way she had, but nothing she’d said changed the way I felt about her. Barbara and I had always shared a connection, right from our initial meeting, but it had taken us a good few months before we settled into a rhythm. Barbara was not backwards in coming forwards, we argued regularly, and with passion. I knew that our partnership seemed odd to outsiders, but for us it worked.

Being partnered with Barbara sparked something deep inside of me. I looked forward to seeing her, working with her, bouncing ideas off her and verbally sparring. Being in her company made me feel alive. That knowledge alone should have told me that my relationship with Helen was wrong because I never had that feeling when I was in her company. I still failed to understand how I had ever thought what Helen and I had shared was love.

Barbara was everything to me. When I thought about the future, she was always a part of it. When I imagined a future without her I was terrified. It was madness how much I had come to depend on her, and yet I wouldn’t change a single thing.

She stirred, murmuring under her breath. I stroked her shoulder, and my lips tenderly brushing her forehead, anointing her skin with a reverent kiss. A contented smile ghosted across her face as she settled back into peaceful sleep.

I buried my face in her hair, breathing in the apple and honey scent of her shampoo. Having her in my arms and in my bed, at last my world felt right. Taking that final scary step had proved to be the making of us and not the breaking as we had feared. I wasn’t stupid, there would be challenges ahead, our life would never be simple or perfect, but it would be perfect for us. Now we had found each other completely, there was no going back.

“You’re my life Barbara, my destiny. Whatever time I have left on this earth, I am going to spend it loving you,” I whispered softly, knowing she couldn’t hear me but needing to say the words all the same.

Contented, I closed my eyes and let sleep claim me too.


End file.
